cigarettes and alcohol

i distinctly remember my first cigarette; it was in my bathroom at dunman. i had purchased a pack from the store under the hdb blocks in a frenzy stemming from loneliness and a desperation to be 'cool.' i lit up sitting on my toilet and smoked in irregular fits, unsure if i should inhale and worried that i would be found out and expelled. over the next months, i'd slip out a cigarette from the pack (which i stored in my closet) every time i felt horrible. smoking to me was never a habit but an escape and i am reminded of that every time i take a drag of a cigarette.

there is probably nothing better than a bottle of red wine and a few good dvds on a snowy day. i spent the better half of today in an inebriated state, free of worry and filled with good food and drink. it certainly is a blessing to have so much in one's life.

how the wicked thrive....

i spend my days waiting for epiphanies but find myself settling for trite musings that make me realize i am less talented than was originally thought. i live in this self-defined space where nothing is sacred, everything is valuable and instinct comes before reason so i find myself in situations where i am thrust back and forth and my inability to struggle or rise against helps me to go with the flow of uncertainty. it is in this petulance that i lose myself in all sense of the word and i put on another self , careless, uninhibited, sensual and best of all, happy.