sambil belajar matematik, saya melayar internet.

during the course of what is called growing up, i seem to have misplaced my sense of humor and the ability to prance jovially.

perhaps i was meant to have a stiff upper lip.

how to speak when there could be many things to say and many directions to go.

here i go on my high horse again

it all started when i had a conversation with tom and we started talking about the chapel speaker. "what did you think about chapel? we should have more of people like this come instead of having john dear," he spouted.
immediately, the accounts of last fall's chapel came to mind where, from what i heard, crowds of messiah student stormed out of chapel because john dear said unequivocally that if you support the war, you cannot be christian. in true brethren-in-christ/mennonite peace-loving god-fearing evangelical fashion, the students demonstrated their aversion to the message by being belligerent and intolerant.
now about yesterday's speaker: he's the president of international justice mission and the core of his message is that as christians, we are to help the oppressed. he followed this by showing a video of child prostitutes saved and slaves freed and added that many had come to know christ. and then the kicker, asking for money - "it costs $x to save a child prostitute" - which is utterly ridiculous because flaws in society is not fixed by throwing money around.
there is this utter denial by some people that injustice is caused by structural flaws, governmental mostly. some of us are unwilling to accept that while child prostitution / slavery is wrong, supporting government activities that inherently cause destitution and poverty is the main cause of these atrocities.
my sentiments are emphasized after watching the revolution will not be televised about the attempted coup of hugo chavez's venezuelan government. the opposition, helped in part by the CIA, attempted to boot chavez from office without a referendum. and while i do support foreign intervention in domestic affairs when necessary (i.e. genocide), the motivation of america was entirely economic - venezuela being one of the US's largest supplier of petroleum - despite chavez being an entirely democratic and charismatic leader. chavez's plans of a more egalitarian society (where only 20% of the population benefited from the petroleum) were derailed because of the coup. how is one to control one's anger in light of damning evidence such as these?
but i guess as christians, we are not to meddle in politics because after all, the government we have is god chosen. we'd much rather help on the micro level, sparing our change so that perhaps one more indian girl named shamala can spare the torture of having to have sex with 50 men a night.

anger

while i was channel surfing the other day, i paused on channel 14, MTV, and watched the real world. my roommate walks in and says "i think you should be in the real world. you could be the angry asian."
and in too many ways, i am the angry asian. not angry because i'm asian but angry and asian, which i guess are two pecularities in america. i suppose america is just what the brochures depict it to be - shiny, happy, white people. but i'm angry because of this careless optimism. and i'm angry with republicans. all republicans. especially at messiah.

tim and beverly lahaye

after reading this transcript, i can conclude that tim and bev are without a doubt, dumbfucks.
sample:

KING: Does the Christian church care about Social Security, tax, war in Iraq?

T. LAHAYE: No. We care about moral values. And it involves that. And as much as he already said what he's going to do, we expect him to take care of Social Security.

whatev bee-yatch.

gong xi gong xi

i suppose a xin nian kuai le is in order although belated. when is the 15th day again?
another telling sign that i have become *gasp* assimilated is that i knew it was mardi gras on tuesday but had no clue it was new year on wednesday (until my missionary kid friend (!) told me).

pang sai!

mental constipation! one sentence of my 5 page paper written.

*weep*

fickle-ly kanchiong

very anxious about summer plans now. what if i don't get an internship? i've not heard from anyone. should i stay and work for summer and then go home for the last 2 weeks? should i just go home and give up? should i apply for a job at the mc-pc and have a gala time and be broke the next semester?
i've have also come to the very important conclusion that this will be my last semester in grantham. i have purposed to spend fall of next year in the london internship program and then the spring in philadelphia again. it will be sad that when i do don that gown and walk the platform, i will recognize 5 faces in the audience. and have 3 people applaud me. but, such is the life of the nomad, the thrill of the journey taking precedence over familiarity and comfort. so if i have that london internship, should i still be seeking an internship for summer? i will probably be going to london from kl and it's so thrilling to be on board that plane (hopefully surrounded by friends) and being in reachable distance to companions who have become shadowy acquaintances.
so excited and scared and disappointed and hopeful.

swooning

i'm quite speechless about nursing this tremendous infatuation.

race and ethnicity

why do i use my race as a scapegoat for when circumstances do not favor me?
but yet, why do people subject me to feelings of inferiority especially because i am different?

at typography class yesterday, i couldn't wait to get out because i had to go to the bathroom for no. 2 very badly. i cleared my desk and pretended to be working and this is what i came up with.

spring classes

out of envy from listening to my contemporaries talk about their abilities to 'shop' for classes during the first few weeks of classes, i designed my own shopping period, attending classes i think might be interesting.
at 8 a.m. on the first day of classes, i suddenly possess the urge to fulfill my life fitness general education requirement. i wake up at the respectable time of 7:30, fix a light breakfast and skip to the gymnasium where haunting memories of napfa and 2.4 terrorize me. there will be a 12 minute run next week followed by horridly regimental weekly workout routine that will surely kill me. but right now, all i can think of is obtaining that glistening adonis body that represents perfection. tomorrow: stairmaster for 40 minutes! i think i can, i think i can.
next up, typography. the professor: an anally retentive man who promises us that a C is an average grade and assures us that we will be working hard this semester. then, he rolls out the first project, 3 sets of 12 squares per set, each square containing segments of a letter or letters in different typefaces. now, this may be the repressed art student within me but i find the prospects of xeroxing hundreds of pages of typefaces, cutting alphabets and squares, glueing them all together, xeroxing them again, and cutting them into squares rather enticing. so this one's a keeper, pass/fail.
moving along, i attended a new testament literature class with people who won't so much as look at me, much less talk to me. but i have to take this class so *grumble* *mutter* .
after that, calculus 3 with a professor whose first name is lamarr (male) and a class composition of about 20 males to 4 females - that's a lot of sausages ;) . but i delight in learning about vectors and planes and things of that nature.
the night before, in a panic fuelled haze, i e-mail an economics professor and ask if i could join his directed study class. the professor replies saying i can and tells me to attend a meeting at 4 p.m. the class sounds interesting schedule wise: 90 minute class once a fortnight although lots of self reading and assessment in between.
of the 5 classes i attended on the first day, i decided to keep them all ... this sounds a lot like i'm over-spending.
the next day, i attend the first scheduled class ethnic and racial politics in america and am instantly attracted to the genuine brilliance of the professor. the class content encompasses the history of immigration in the united states, its repercussion on ensuing periods, the political ideology espoused by various racial groups and othersuch political concerns. when i decide to keep the class, i realize that i haven't done any shopping at all but rather i've attended all the classes i'm supposed to, nothing more. perhaps next year, i will be more adventurous.